The Unknowable

I drove by a church this morning. Its sign said, “If you no longer feel close to God – who moved away?”

This made me think. I do not consider myself to be religious. I was baptized Catholic. Not because either of my parents are religious, but because my grandparents – who also were not religious – wanted it so. I do not like doing anything that I do not understand; I am quite a stubborn person. I did not baptize my own daughter. I want her to be able to make that choice herself.

I have a complicated relationship with God. I am not Catholic, or Christian, or Muslim, or Jewish. When I think of God, I no longer conjure the image of a wizened Merlin-figure I did as a child. Now, when I think of God, I think of the forest. Of the ocean, of mountains, of rolling fields. I think of lit candles, flickering. I think of the moon.

For me, God is everywhere. God is nature, God is space. God is neither male nor female. It is difficult to put these thoughts and feelings into the correct words. So, when someone asks, I typically say I’m agnostic. The true nature of God is unknowable, at least to me. I feel pieces and parts, perhaps.

When I close my eyes and feel the sun warm my skin; when I gaze in awe of the moon and stars on a cloudless night; when I hold tight to someone I love, I think, Ah, right there. Those are the comforting pieces and parts of the unknowable God. Right there.